Wednesday, 5 May 2010
The thing about the bowl of cereal
It’s not the cereal. It’s not hunger, really, unless we’re talking about the non-physical kind.
It’s not even the compulsion, though I do wonder about that.
My on-again, off-again habit of a bowl (or two) of cereal before sleep, when everyone else is already in bed, when the day’s responsibilities are not done but put to bed, at least, when all is quiet and it’s just me and no one can see me or judge me or count how many nights in a row this is now? It’s not really about the cereal, the habit, the hunger or non-hunger. It could be a little about the carbs’ quick-hit brain rush, but really really really?
It’s about feeding something.
It’s a deep belief of scarcity. That I’m not enough, that I have to fill something up and in and all the way, that somehow if I numb it, if I stuff it, if I just feel one more bite going into my mouth, I will finally feel complete.
And then after that second bowl and I’m alone again, I’m emptier. Because it doesn’t really feed what needs feeding. And it doesn’t matter that no one saw me and no one knows. I was there to judge me, and believe me, I’m harsh enough.
How can a mother get the nourishment she really needs?
When will I stop looking outside myself for validation, for job well done, for I’m sorry, for I’m here, I’m here, I’m here?
When will I wake up and go to bed believing I’m enough? That I’m worthy?
I don’t know, honestly. I keep waiting for something to shift in me, but I might just have to live as if for a while, until my habits can give meaning to my internal truth.
I eat well because I’m worth it, not because I have to shed these extra pounds. I run and practice yoga because they feed something else in me, they make me feel good and strong, and not because I hate my body and need to punish it. I drink water because it doesn’t make my stomach hurt like cereal does, and I’m worth feeling good.
Say it again, all together now: I’m enough. Now and 10 minutes from now. At this weight and other weights. At this job and not at this job. Being a mother and taking a break. I am enough, no matter.
For more scarcity and abundance inspiration, I highly recommend my friend Abby Norman’s Scarcity Hunter email newsletters. Check out her blog and contact her for more info.