Broken/filled/whole

Around here we talk a lot about being broken.

There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
-Leonard Cohen

Exploring the beauty in brokenness is the theme of my book. I feel like it’s a miracle that God ever uses me as the mess I am. Just a couple days ago I recalled the lyric to a song about asking God to break my heart.

It’s what I see in me. Brokenness in need of redemption. I value honesty and truth and struggle, no matter how messy.

But the mess is where I’ve stayed. I see cracks everywhere, missing how those make me whole. Missing how if I wasn’t broken open, I couldn’t be filled up. Forgetting that brokenness isn’t the whole story.

* * *

It’s all around us:
The seed that breaks open to become what it’s meant to be
The egg that cracks apart just as new life is about to emerge
The cutting away that makes a tree stronger

In brokenness, we can find the beginnings of life.

It’s not a place to arrive or a destination to seek. It’s just the other side of the exploration of brokenness.

* * *

This year, my One Word resolution has been worthy.

This word has both chased me down relentlessly and remained just out of my reach.

Believing I’m worthy of love, worthy of happiness, worthy of a beautiful life — this requires that I explore the other side of broken. Deeply knowing my worth means I must look at how the cracks make me whole. How opening my heart up is not just waiting to be broken, but waiting to be filled.

Kintsugi

* * *

So, it’s true that I can’t be whole unless I am broken first. But I’ve been afraid of being whole. I’m not sure I’m worthy of it.

But ultimately, that doesn’t matter. Whether or not I believe I’m worthy or deserving or enough, wholeness is there anyway. Love is there anyway. I’m filled up anyway, and it pours into my broken bits and the healthy parts, too.

All I have to do is open my hands — eyes — heart and receive it.

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