Things you learn when you say “I’m scared, but yes”

It’s like any Spirit-inspired thing that you resist until you can’t anymore. It’s what happens, every time, when you first say no no no no and then okay fine yes with trembling hands. It’s why I just booked my first speaking gig, and also why I sent that email volunteering to lead the Ugandan mothers and mothers-to-be in a prayer and meditation on motherhood. It’s why I said yes even though both of them have me scared. Not a little. A lot.

It’s the reason I said yes to this trip in the first place, even though I knew this feeling would come as the trip bore down on me — that gasping start in the middle of the day, when I realize I will leave these beautiful children and my best friend and partner for 10 days. These gorgeous souls who drive me crazy and fill me up and empty me out and give me all of their love and all of themselves, and don’t they deserve all of me?

And yet I will leave — because they deserve an example of what happens when you say you’re scared but you’ll do it anyway, of what it means to say I want this, but I’ll do that. I’ll say yes to the trip because in a way, that is giving them all of me.

The Spirit nudges, pushes, pulls, whispers. I resist, brush it off, forget, remember. Then I realize: Oh, that again. Maybe it’s time to obey. (Now I understand better my kids’ tendency to wait until I’ve said it 4 times to listen and obey. Ahem.)

Okay, I’ll go even though I’m scared of what it will feel like to leave my kids for that long.

Okay, I’ll speak even though I’m afraid I’ll be nervous and terrible at it.

Okay, I’ll write and lead a meditation and prayer with strangers from another culture even though I’m scared of saying something wrong.

Okay, I’ll ask for help to get there. I’ll ask for money from friends, family and strangers even though I’m scared they’ll ignore me, reject me or roll their eyes at me.

Because it happened again. I had a feeling, a Spirit-whisper, I tried to brush it off and couldn’t, so I spoke aloud my fears and then? I got ready to be surprised. I thought, If he kept pushing again and again, I wonder what kinds of blessing he has for me in this?

And it was this: People didn’t reject, ignore or roll their eyes (as far as I know). You were kind, supportive. You said things like We’re proud of who you are and what you’re doing. Things like Thanks for doing the brave thing. Things like Their stories will be in good hands. (All things that made me bury my face in my hands and weep.) You gave extra, you told your friends, you said you believe in me with your mouths and your wallets and I’m astounded.

Because friends, in a little more than two weeks after I opened the fundraiser, I’m fully funded. My trip costs are covered, completely and fully. We’re going to Uganda together, and you’re sending me there.

You are beautiful, and now I see your beauty in another dimension. And it’s a side of you I wouldn’t have experienced if I hadn’t heeded the Spirit-whisper. It was a blessing that I almost rejected, in my fear and in my pride. Instead, life has more depth and color and people are more beautiful than I thought and maybe that means there’s more beauty out there to be discovered. You’ve been part of healing my heart in a way I didn’t know it needed.

My heart needed you, and that’s what can happen when you say I’m scared, but yes.

What is the Spirit whispering to you today? What could you say ‘yes’ to, even though you’re afraid?

 

Above and beyond my trip expenses, I have received an additional $150, which will be donated to Mercy for Mamas to purchase birthing kits. If you click the “donate” button on my sidebar (email friends, just click over to the website to see the button), any additional donations will be used to purchase the kits we’ll be distributing on the trip.

{Psst… I leave Sept. 21, which is not only next month, it is less than four weeks away! Please pray.}

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One comment on “Things you learn when you say “I’m scared, but yes”

  1. So wonderful, friend. love you.