Tuesday, 4 May 2010
When your dreams feel too heavy
It was my baby’s laughter that brought me back to myself, finally broke through the sadness. I smiled for the first time in maybe 24 hours.
In moments of intense pressure, in times when I don’t know if I can really do what’s in front of me, the next step on this journey I’m pretty sure God is blessing, I fold in on myself. When you’re chasing a dream, there will be times when the dream feels too heavy for you to bear. A day last week was like this, and it beat the hell out of me. I spent all day trying to outrun my doubts; I fought with my insecurities and stood up to my fears. But by nightfall, I was beat, and I crumpled under the weight of it all.
What am I doing this for? was my thought. Why chase a dream when it grounds you into dust?
Dreaming and then doing presents a huge risk, and I can see why many people give up before they try. Because if it all fails or falls apart, where does that leave me? If my dream dies, who am I and what am I for?
Then, my baby laughed.
He giggled at a video game and kept laughing and laughing and it was the kind of joy that fills a room and doesn’t let anyone escape. Even I was overtaken, breaking through the hard shell of my despair and hopelessness. And I smiled.
And the thought came, unbidden, bringing me to a different kind of tears: this is enough. Before anything happens here, before the dream really comes true or comes to an end, this is enough. If I succeed or if I fail trying, everything I need is here. And then, even if all of this is taken away, he is still faithful. There is still mercy, and it really is new every single morning, even when the dredge of the day before still sticks to your feet.
I wrote this post a few days ago, but I found myself wanting to stand up and cheer when I read another word that fed my soul: Do it anyway.
This is enough, but do it anyway.
Like so many simple/complicated things, it’s just a matter of where I’m looking. I will never be enough; he always will.
So take heart, O my soul. Look around you and give thanks. Practice gratitude rather than simple gratefulness. After all, he is going ahead of you on your journey, wherever it is taking you, and he will always be enough.