Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Light for the next step
A few months ago when it was clear everything had fallen apart for our Rwanda adoption, I started pushing ahead to change course. I scheduled doctor’s appointments, I got the list of items we needed to update the home study, I started gearing up for what would come after, until the unsettled spirit in me whispered loud enough, stop.
It just didn’t feel right, even from the very first step, and I kept pushing past it so something would keep moving. I was afraid if I didn’t envision the entire road ahead of me, even if I couldn’t see it, that we would be lost in the darkness forever.
We decided we would wait until Benjamin’s next birthday, until our baby was two, and then see. Then, we would make a decision about when to move and where, whether our next adoption would start now or later or not at all.
This was the week, Benjamin is two now, and things are no clearer. I admit I was hoping for clarity, for certainty, though by now I should know better.
In a prayer I prayed for other adoptive families this morning, I found myself asking Jesus for what I wanted for them: Just a little light for the path. Just a little spotlight that would illuminate the next step is all.
I realize that I don’t need to know the entire road ahead, because it’s not in my power to make it straight anyway. All we need is direction for the very next step, just the next three feet so our foot can land where it needs to go. Though all else is darkness, though we’re groping in the dark, though the Light of the World isn’t shining bright on the path, we don’t need to know the path. We just need to know the Light, and with him, we can trust whatever the next step will bring.
That’s what I’m praying for these days. Just a little light, and just the next step, and I trust (most days) that the rest will come in its time.