The tyranny of my heart (on surrendering hopes and dreams)

You might know by now that if I’m quiet for a few days, it’s because I’m getting up the nerve to say something. When I write here, my whole heart is on display. So if I can’t quite bring myself to speak, you may as well know I’m wrestling with something, working it out, turning it over in my hand (or running from it).

And you know? I’m still not quite ready to put it out there. Because it’s about a dream of mine. It’s a precious, sweet dream I’ve held onto for years and I think — I’m almost sure — that God is asking me to let it go. And this time, it means saying goodbye.

I’ve written a post or two, I’ve drafted emails, but they all sit here with me unsent, hidden from view.

And then there’s the other dream I have, the one about writing, and I’m going to that conference, and from experience I can be pretty sure that God wants that dream too.

Like almost all of my Big Life Lessons, I can tie these themes back to our adoptions and what I (thought I) learned.

Throughout our adoption processes, God has gently and consistently asked me to give the dreams over to him. It’s not that he wants to end them, or that he wants them in selfishness — I can see now that it’s about love. He sees my heart and how dreams held too tightly can begin to weigh it down, poison it. He says to me, full of compassion, “Sweet girl. You know I don’t want you to be bent low under all that weight. Just hand those dreams to me and I’ll carry them for you.”

He does it with all the things I hold a little too close, the gifts and hopes that I grasp for and start trying to control. He sees what I’m doing, and he knows it’s an illusion; it’s the path to death. He wants me to live in freedom — a freedom only possible if I open my hand and let go, when I surrender the tyranny of my heart for him.

But it’s hard because I know. I know what that means. When he gives those dreams back, they might be completely different. When he answers my prayer, it might be opposite my expectation. It’s not the dream I don’t want to let go. It’s the hope in what I want to happen.

This dream, the one that he’s asking for now, is one I thought I’d already given to him; I thought I’d surrendered it. But now when it looks like it’s coming to an end, I find I was still grasping. I think I just need to hold it for another day or two. And I’m thankful he has enough compassion and patience to wait for me.

Linking with Heather at Extraordinary Ordinary, Jen for Soli Deo Gloria, and at Write it, Girl.

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13 comments on “The tyranny of my heart (on surrendering hopes and dreams)

  1. I appreciate your honesty about letting go. Know that must have been tough. It’s a daily surrender of “me” every.single.day. to let go of what I envision and hear His plan. And I am not sure I have even allowed myself to dream, so maybe that is the epiphany I received from your post today. Thanks!

  2. Ah, entrusting Him with our dreams – a theme in my life as well. Who else would take better care of them? Stopping by from Write It, Girl. Blessings to you today!

  3. Ashley Wells says:

    This is true beauty in words,

    “He wants me to live in freedom — a freedom only possible if I open my hand and let go, when I surrender the tyranny of my heart for him.”

    I too have had to give my dreams to the Lord. I take great hope in that he can do far more than all we ask or imagine! Thanks for this encouragement today!

  4. Tereasa says:

    I know that you will be blessed by the letting go. I face letting go with apprehension, too, but I am never disappointed.

    I stop by here on my own occasionally, but today I’m here through Write It, Girl. Thanks for linking up.

  5. Ashley Haupt says:

    “Sweet girl. You know I don’t want you to be bent low under all that weight. Just hand those dreams to me and I’ll carry them for you.”
    Beautiful and tender and stirring. 🙂

  6. Rosann says:

    It’s difficult to accept that His plans are not always our plans. I struggle with this myself. The beautiful thing is, even when I’m disappointed because my dream didn’t happen, God surprises me with something far better than I could have ever imagined or hoped for.

  7. oh. My sweet Kim. You’ve got it. He doesn’t ask us to let go because it is a no for the sake of saying it. In our vision we only see this tiny piece… He wants to open the whole world to us. but it is so. so. scary. I don’t want to lose this thing i’ve hung my heart on. I hope if it is let go, that you know with clarity what dream comes in its place.

  8. Jules says:

    How I love you, your rawness, your realness, and how you inspire, always, through your voice, presence, and words.

  9. Sarah says:

    Kim, how I needed this today! Surrendering our heart’s dreams is just as difficult as it is sweet.

    I especially appreciate the truth here… “He wants me to live in freedom — a freedom only possible if I open my hand and let go, when I surrender the tyranny of my heart for him.”

    Thank you, friend.

  10. Renee says:

    I love these lines: “I can see now that it’s about love. He sees my heart and how dreams held too tightly can begin to weigh it down, poison it.” . . . Even tho’ I know this, it is hard to let go of the dreams and trust them to His keeping. Thanks for sharing this poignant post. Blessings!

  11. HopeUnbroken says:

    oh, this was so sweet and poignant. and i know this place. so very well.
    thanks for putting that bit of your heart out there that you were able and sharing what God is doing through the process. what a blessing.
    steph

  12. Erin Carson says:

    Beautiful. Sorrowful. Peaceful.

    Thank you. 🙂

  13. Holly says:

    Wow. This is my heart right now. Exactly. Thank you for writing the words that I can’t put together the right way.