Pressed, but not crushed

It’s only Wednesday, and it’s already been a long week.

My alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. on Monday, and the first thought that floated up from the sleep-fog was we have no coffee. #*%&^$.

An early-morning coffee run, feeling optimistic, like I could still get some writing in before the house woke up, and then right as I walked past his room, coffee in hand, the baby woke up.

See those teeth? Not nice.

#($&@^(.

Tuesday, the same thing, except earlier, and I didn’t have to go out to get coffee. The baby woke up right when my mug was filled to the brim and the creative animal was ready to speak. @($$*$&#^@&*%^.

This morning, I didn’t even set an alarm. (and of course, the baby slept all night and into the morning.)

I registered for a writing conference on Sunday. No big deal, right? Except it’s one thing to wake up early to write and lose a little sleep. It’s another to pay actual money and make actual travel plans and polish up book proposals to submit to actual agents and editors.

I’m still fighting the feelings of inadequacy, of feeling foolish, of thinking it’s a waste of time and money and why would I chase after something that’s never going to happen?

Then the baby is teething, and while I don’t think Satan has any control over my child’s development, I do think that as the father of lies, he will use any and every circumstance in my life to discourage me in this moment. I’m feeling a little vulnerable. I’m risking something bigger than loss of sleep. I’m showing up for this party, trembling a little in my scuffed-up boots.

I submitted an essay on fear for the upcoming Not Afraid volume currently being judged/edited by Alise Wright. In it, I recall the most terrifying moment of my life, and how I eventually called fear’s bluff. Fear is a shadow playing on a wall. It’s just because we’re cowering from the dark that it looks so huge, like it could eat us alive.But when you stand up and shine a light, the shadow disappears and fear is a pitiful, whiny thing that looks utterly ridiculous. I am a daughter of the King and I’m covered in His love. What do I have to fear?

Tomorrow, I will set my alarm.

A new friend recently tweeted, “Courage does not always roar, sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying “I will try again tomorrow.”

Linking with Heather, Michelle and Write It Girl.

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17 comments on “Pressed, but not crushed

  1. Kristina says:

    I think I need to hear about this essay and the story behind it, Fear is the HUGE struggle in my life right now and will take all the perspective I can get. This blog is a blessing Kim, it never fails to speak into my life…thank you…..and still miss you. Can’t you come over????

    • I so wish I could come over! It’s a long dang haul to your house, though. I don’t know if my essay will be selected for the book, but I’m happy to send you an “advance copy” anyway, if you’d really like to read it.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    Thanks for the post. Fear is also something I struggle with. I want to break some of them and face them head on.

    • Yes, Elizabeth. I think every human deals with fear on some level, whether it takes an obvious form or not. Blessings to you as you face your fears down.

  3. Oh yes. Fear can be crippling if we let it. I just keep giving it back to Him and he consistently reminds me (whether through Scripture or song), “Do not be afraid”. ((Hugs))

    • Yes, Christin. I think I need to examine, though, what it LOOKS like to “not be afraid.” I know that’s what he says, but it’s like when I’m feeling depressed, it doesn’t help for someone to say, “do not feel depressed.” When I’m afraid, I know in my heart what God says about it but I can’t get there. How do you get there?

  4. Amen! I need to be setting that alarm too. Why is getting up so hard?!?! As far as Satan, i once heard someone say, “He’s butt naked & doesn’t own a toothbrush. So why are we afraid of him?” I loved that description. Although I do still give into fear…probably way too often…I’m grateful I’m not walking this path alone. Blessings to you!

    • Ha, love that description! Though I do have to give him props. He’s gotten pretty good and cutting to the heart of my insecurity. I guess he’s had a long time to hone his skills over the generations. He knows exactly what will keep me ineffective and crippled and goes for the jugular every time. But he IS fear, personified — just a shadow on a wall. A coward. Thanks for stopping by and lending your wisdom!

  5. Renee says:

    So many of our struggles involve our minds–conquering fear, sleeplessness, distractions–to accomplish worthwhile things. Congrats on having a precious baby in your house to wake you to life so early and on signing up for the writing conference. I attended my first writing conference last Sept.., and it changed me! Blessings!

    • For sure — I think ALL of my struggles are in my mind. Depression, eating issues, fear, coping. It’s all between my ears. And the liar is there, whispering all. day. long. Sometimes I just get tired and accept the lies, because it feels easier than fighting them all the damn time.

  6. If you weren’t so far, I’d bring you a Costco-sized bag of coffee and take your little teether so you could write. I know the feeling. This morning I had to get up at FOUR because my kids, sensing that I’m having precious writing alone time, have taken to waking at 5:45.

    I hope that someday, it will get a little easier, but for now, I am glad for the fact that he gives rest to the weary.

    • Haha! I envision jumping into that coffee bag. They make them that big, right? 4 a.m.? You inspire me. In many ways, but that is one. Wow.

      I know — we’ll probably look back on this time and be amazed with ourselves that we got any writing done when our kids were little, right?

  7. Jamie Ivey says:

    Great post. Fear can be crippling sometimes. It’s even more evident in my life after I was married and then it doubled after kids. I struggle with it lots, but I’ll say I defeat it lots too. Might be a battle I battle until the day I meet Jesus. I will not go down w/out a fight though!!!

    Found your blog from the WRITE IT, GIRL link up!

    • Yes, I agree that fear multiplies with blessings — like the more we have to lose, the greater fear can swell. But you’re right — I’m conquering some types of fear every day, and I need to recognize that just as much as my failures.

  8. Stacey says:

    It is a constant battle to grab time to write. And then, when I do – what happens when the words just aren’t flowing? But the battle is worth it because at times magic happens.

    May God bless you as you find and grab the time to write. So glad you joined up for Write It, Girl! See you next week!

  9. Patti Brown says:

    I understand this deeply. A few years ago I had to face this question in regards to writing… was I going to live fearfully, or live out the way I was fearfully and wonderfully made? I still tremble as I make my offering, but I am comforted by the truth as I read the Word that He used weak and challenged servants to bring Himself glory. I am not enough, but He is always.

    • I love everything about this comment, Patti. Yes, we tremble in the offering, but he is always enough. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.