Monday, 12 December 2011
Five minute Friday: Empty
A new blog friend wrote a beautiful post yesterday on communion and depression. In it, she said,
But Depression doesn’t just make you sad, it makes you empty. You reach for the things you need, but you can’t absorb them.
My eyes stung with recognition as I read that for the first time yesterday. She cuts through so much explanation with a metaphor so perfect it made me stop breathing for a second.
I didn’t know it yesterday, but today my body, mind, soul has been laid bare. I don’t know what happened, I can’t point to a cause, I can’t find a solution. I only know that everything seems hard. It all feels impossible. Writing, caring for my kids, making a lunch, finding my daughter’s belt. Even going to yoga, which I know I need, which I know will feed me and fill me and give perspective. It all just seems like so much work, so much meaninglessness.
How do I get here? How is it I find myself in this place today, when yesterday I felt only a little anxious, just slightly on edge? I was probably running from Depression then, trying to keep a step ahead, and today it’s caught up. And I’m under water.
I sink my head into my palms and even my words feel empty, but I say “help.” And I say “Jesus.” And I say, “I know I can’t get there without you. I can’t do today without you.”
It doesn’t help.
But I know it’s the right first step. It’s the best decision I can make now, in the depths. If all I can do is look up for a moment, at least I’m looking in the right direction.