Trust {Five-minute Friday}

After my dad died, stolen away, a sudden ghost that left me empty, I couldn’t trust God anymore.

Why now? I asked. Why him? Why me? And most desperate, I know you could have saved him. Why didn’t you save him? It was too soon, and you know it.

And just like that, the steel vault door in my heart, the one I didn’t even know was there, slid shut. BOOM. I wanted nothing to do with a God who wouldn’t answer one of my whispered, desperate prayers, who ignored my fear of losing someone, who looked away long enough and tragedy happened. Whatever my theology, it was His fault.

Ten years. That’s how long it took for me to see his character, for him to show me his trustworthiness. For me to really believe that he never left me at all. For me to realize that when I’m scared, defeated or depressed, his arms are the surest things available. And they’re available all the time.

It started when I realized I loved him. It started when someone simply asked me how I felt about him and I was surprised to look in my heart and see that a deep longing had begun to break through the steel door. Then several years later, he showed me how he proved, over and over and over, his love for me and  his faithfulness to have a good purpose for me no matter what happened.

Then in a dramatic, made-for-TV-movie moment in Uganda, in the chaos of a country I didn’t know and in relying on him like I’d never done before, for my next hour, for my next breath, he pushed that door all the way open and took his place in my heart in a new way, better, more beautiful than I’d experienced him before my dad died, before I’d known tragedy. And he’s surprised me again by showing me — it’s better this way. I’m better when I’m broken, because that’s where he can come in.

Linking up with Lisa-Jo at the Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday, where we free-write for five minutes, no backtracking, no editing, for the love of words and writing and spilling our hearts on the page. Click here to read more five-minute thoughts on Trust.

  • http://www.dayebydaye.com Becky

    Wow! Incredibly beautiful. Thank you for not only sharing your heart, but for showing through your journey that God is worthy of our trust. I absolutely love your “testimony” and reading just one post tells me that God is using you in incredible ways. He doesn’t take us through tragedy and then not use it for His glory! Praying that you are blessed today as you have been a blessing to ME!

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Wow Becky, thanks so much. You blessed me, too!

  • http://www.alonethoughts.blogspot.com Bobbi

    WOW…”I’m better when I’m broken, because that’s where he can come in.” That line just slays me…so good!

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Thanks Bobbi. It’s been a recurring lesson for me over the last year — when I’m broken, he has an opening to work on my heart. A humbling place to be, for sure.

  • http://www.allthingshis.com Chasity

    Loved “And he’s surprised me again by showing me — it’s better this way. I’m better when I’m broken, because that’s where he can come in.” Beautiful words my friend! I didn’t plan on writing today, but I think I’m in for 5 minutes.

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Thanks Chasity! I felt the same way, until I saw the word for today. I knew I could write about that. :)

  • http://foreverhisservant.blogspot.com Melanie

    “I’m better when I’m broken, because that’s where he can come in….”

    …because broken is beautiful…..coming to a place of brokenness brings us to our knees in the realization that only He can heal…only He can help us trust in Himself…only He can take pieces and build glory….He gains our trust through who He is….praise Him~ What love is this!

    Blessings,
    ~Melanie

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Broken IS beautiful — exactly. Then it’s all him.

  • http://www.alifesanctified.com Felecia

    I loved the line “better when I’m broken because that’s where He can come in.” – while reading it had the vision of a broken window and light pouring in past the shards of glass enveloping the broken one (because we all are from time to time). Lovely.
    Glad I met you today, Kim.
    Blessings,
    Felecia

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Beautiful image, Felecia. Thank you for sharing.

  • Liesbeth

    Having just lost my own father, parts of your post really resonated with me. All those thoughts and feelings passed through me too but my moments of separation from God were thankfully brief. I guess because I distanced myself from God at a time when I felt I didn’t need Him, when I had just started at university. It took me many years to realise what I was missing and that the times when you don’t need God as such are times that you can spend in praise, worship and thanksgiving. It makes me sad sometimes when I think of those “missing years”. I’m so happy for you that you could let God in again too.

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      I’m sorry for your loss, Liesbeth; thank you for sharing your thoughts here. It seems like we all go through similar trials and times of distance and closeness, they just come to us in a different order and through different circumstances. I’m sure if I lost my dad today rather than when I was 21, it would be a different experience.

      If you’re interested, I have several more posts about my dad and grief: http://www.kimvanbrunt.com/2011/12/wishing-for-whats-lost/ and http://www.kimvanbrunt.com/2011/11/lessons-from-my-father-just-try/, and I’m sure there are others where I mention him. After 11 years, he’s still on my mind often. :)

  • http://laughtershock.blogspot.com/ Robin

    I love how patiently He waits for us. And in that waiting wooing us to Him. I adore your last sentence and agree wholeheartedly.
    Blessings

    • http://www.kimvanbrunt.com Kim Van Brunt

      Thanks Robin. Yes, he’s been nothing but patient with me. In my seasons of (impatient) waiting, he has shown me a beautiful picture of waiting for me to meditate on.

  • http://www.pohlkottepress.blogspot.com tara@pohlkottepress

    “I’m better when I’m broken” – – so heartbreakingly beautiful.

  • http://www.positivelyalene.com Positively Alene

    Thanks for the precious reminder that broken is the better place to be. I don’t like it, but it is where God is alive and easy to feel His presence. These are beautiful words. Thankful that God heals our trust.