Family Day

I had to look back on the calendar to remember, since it felt like it took days for that flight to finally reach Uganda. But it was today after all. One year ago, we were finally holding you at last.

Hello. And who are you, exactly?

It’s now 365 days later. None of us are the same after a year, I suppose. Our family is transformed. You know you’re safe here, and you know your family.

And me? I won’t ever be the same as I was 365 days ago.

I see the world with new eyes now. Adopting you, going to Africa and back, seeing what I saw and feeling what I felt and NOT feeling what I didn’t feel… I can’t be the same as I was. I’m more of a realist, but also see grace better (I hope). I push less and trust more. I’m more open. God showed me he won’t stay in the box I had him in. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with that but just live in it. Trust the mystery. Accept what I don’t have to know. And my desperate grasping at what people think of me — I still hold on to some of it, but it’s amazed me how loosely I can hold it now. And how sometimes I can let it go completely. What a gift.

Remember that first night in Uganda? It was so hot, the fan was blowing, and we kept crawling out from under the mosquito net, every two hours, to change and feed and try to comfort. But you weren’t having any of it. You pushed, screamed. You were afraid. So was I.

It hasn’t been perfect. God knows I’ve already made so many mistakes, failed you in countless ways. But one year later, there is no doubt in either of our minds: You are my son, forever and ever amen. We are a family, because we have chosen to love. And now, by God’s grace, the love comes easy.

But I miss Uganda. I miss the country, but I also miss the need I felt there inside myself. The need for God, the complete surrender because I had to, because there was no other way. I know what I know and I can’t go back. I don’t want to.

I cried when I first watched this video, when we were way at the very beginning of our adoption(s), but it means so much more to me now because I saw it, too. I am enough. What am I afraid of?


Linking with Heather.

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4 comments on “Family Day

  1. Beautiful, Kim. Just beautiful and REAL.

  2. One year! Wow. Love what you said about the fear and the love of it all, and I can see you all there, at your wits’ end in this strange place, under all the mosquito netting, not sure how you’re going to manage it all.

    Also, I should know better than to listen to Sarah Groves first thing in the morning. I’m a weepy mess.

  3. Heather says:

    Kim, I cry when I see that video too. Sara Groves speaks such soul whispers with her songs, huh? The kind that gong around. This was a lovely post, a tribute to your child to always hold. I loved it. Thank you.