Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Fears and promises
>We are waiting on Rwanda. It’s been over five months and counting; right now we’re just hoping for approval maybe in 2011. Maybe.
We’re seeking God. We believe we were called to Rwanda. We’re already in love with her people, her stunning turnaround since the genocide, her staggering pain and her breathtaking beauty. Our paperwork will stay there, waiting, until we ourselves can go.
In the meantime, though, we’re seeking God. Would he have us wait only for Rwanda? Or is he turning our eyes to another task to complete while we wait? We wait and we seek. What’s been harder is to have patience in the waiting and peace in the seeking.
Fear and promises enter my mind in turn.
“You’re already overwhelmed by two kids, and fail them daily — how could you be thinking about more?”
“I will give you everything you need. You already have it. Look to me.”
“A child who has been adopted has scars from his/her past. You’re going to have to be a better parent, a more consistent and loving parent, and you’re not up for it.”
“All the strength and love you need I have already given you. Look to me.”
“Who do you think you are? What are you trying to prove?”
“You’re honoring me and following me. Look to me.”
“Your life is going to be completely different when you add to your family through adoption. You won’t be able to do anything you enjoy, you’ll get no sleep and you won’t have any freedom. Why subject yourself to that?”
“Look to me. Every day, hold my hand and ask for wisdom, and I’ll give you more than you need. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. I have reminded you a hundred times, and I will remind you a hundred thousand more. I love you. I won’t leave you in the dark.”
It’s a beautiful, bewildering journey. I forget his promises with every exhale, and remind myself with every inhale. There’s hope and frustration, there’s confusion and a way forward, there’s defeat and then glimmers of rising again.
God of peace, guard my heart and my mind. I pray peace, love, and enough grace for today. Help me rest in you. With a thousand questions swirling around me, help me to be at rest. At peace.