>Although I slip into it all the time, I feel like I understand the pitfalls of living in the past. I dwell on former mistakes, I figure I’ve always been like this so there’s no hope of change, I think about how I could have responded to my kids with grace instead of anger, the list goes on. I get that it robs me of enjoying, or even seeing, what’s right in front of me. But what about the future? I’ve been spending lots of time there these days.
When will our baby be home? When will she be in my arms? When will we hear of progress on the backlogged dossiers currently waiting in Rwanda? When will we be a family of five? When will we travel and when will something finally happen?
The future is so absolutely full of uncertainties that I’m not sure why I choose to live there. I feel consumed by it, the not knowing. I imagine the possibilities. I reach for some shred of “someday.” I want it to be here immediately, or at least very soon.
Today in yoga (aka therapy), my wise instructor, who always has an amazingly accurate read on the room (or at least me), kept reminding us to just be there. Stop reaching, she said. Don’t let the past, or the future, or your calendar, or your work, push in. Invest. She said, “this is the most important moment of your life. You may disagree, saying, ‘no, I would say the most important moment was the birth of my child, or my wedding day.’ But those are in the past. This moment is the most important right now.” And as she was talking, God whispered in my ear: the same goes for the future. Your baby is in the future. Pray for her, love her, but don’t live there now. I’ve given you this present moment. Don’t miss it.
I’ve been feeling a heaviness for a good month or more, and I know what it is. It’s the future pressing in. And although by walking this path that God has us on means that the weight of uncertainty and unknowing is inevitable to some degree, he’s telling me that what he has for me today isn’t in the uncertain future. It’s in this moment. So live it. Be here. Invest.