Deconstruction

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First, adoption progress: Second home study visit done, waiting for draft. Said we should get it in a couple weeks or less. (Meeting itself was kind of cool, more on that later.) Yesterday, we got our appointments for fingerprinting in St. Paul for USCIS. Hopefully our home study will be sent in by the time we go up for our fingerprints! … and then we’ll wait up to 90 days. So it goes.

And otherwise:

I’ve been thinking about this post lately. Been wondering what my update is on all of that.

Well, it turns out that God was doing something bigger than I thought.
I’m still in the middle of it.
And, it — at least this stage — is not fun.
It was all seeming to come together: We were forging ahead on adoption, and we felt at the same time that God was calling us to authenticity. He didn’t want our lip service, he didn’t want us to keep doing the stuff that we do just because it’s what you do. We knew that we were supposed to step back, to take time. To rest. To just BE, and stop trying to fill ourselves up with DOing.
Sounds nice, right? It’s not! At least not for me. Performance is a big issue for me. He’s tearing it down.
Our concept of church? Tearing it down.
Our notions of what faith looks like? Tearing them down.
In fact, it seems like he’s tearing a whole lot of stuff down — or rooting it up, or both. It felt really right to begin with, and we had all sorts of confirmation and things looking like they were headed in one direction.
And then, the tearing down just kept going. And it is still going.
I keep thinking of that scene in The Shack where the guy and the Holy Spirit go out to a gorgeous garden and dig up a huge, established tree-shrub or something. They dig all day, and the work is exhausting. It turns out that the garden is the guy’s heart. The plant that was there wasn’t bad — it was just in the way. I love that God works with the guy in the scene. They do the hard work together, and it’s all because God has plans for something better in that spot.
So here we are, still digging.
It’s hard work, for sure. But I also realize that it’s difficult for me because I long for a plan. If not a clear plan, then at least a general direction. Which is, I suppose, another thing we’re working on rooting up.
Today, I’m reminding myself of two things:
1. The way this whole thing started was really beautiful — re-reading that post, I realize that before we got to the hard stuff, God found a way to wash over me with his love like a waterfall. It was like he said, “First, Kim, remember: ALL of this is because I love you. Here’s a glimpse of that love and the reason behind everything.” I need to hold on to that.
2. God has started this thing, and he will finish it. If I can see the way everything fit together at the beginning, I have to trust that it will all make sense eventually. It certainly doesn’t feel like that now. Most days, I feel like I’m in a tailspin. But God is in me, and he will not abandon me.
Ps. 138:8
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

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