Monday, 5 December 2011
>who am i kidding?
>Really, Kim? Honestly?
I thought that by writing that last post, I could inspire myself (and maybe the two people who read this) to live a should-less life. But here’s the thing.
My life is still filled with shoulds. Every day. Several per hour. Sometimes I really don’t feel like doing those things I need to do, and they turn into shoulds. Even when I want to do them. Responsibility in life equals lots of shoulds. In order to own a home, you should pay the mortgage. You should take care of your house. If you’re going to have kids, you should take care of them. If you are a Christian, you should strive to be like Christ. There are a thousand other examples, and that’s just in my own life.
What’s the big deal about using the word “should?” Really, this week I’ve found that there’s just no avoiding it. The only thing I did to myself with that last post was to set myself up for failure again. Because of course there is no way to dissect shoulds out of your life. Doesn’t my faith even give me a list of shoulds? And while it’s true that the motivation (for almost everything I do) should come from a place of love, it still doesn’t diminish the should-ness of the should.
Confession: I used self-help books and websites to inform my last post. What is it about self-help books that is so immensely unhelpful? What is it about these mind tricks that counselors use that don’t trick my mind whatsoever?
Maybe it’s just my personality. I have trouble seeing the grays. I either succeed, or I fail, and I have trouble seeing growth in the midst of failure. If I try something, I completely go for it. Then if it doesn’t go exactly like I planned, I say “forget it!” and throw the entire thing out. So now, I’ll let the shoulds come flooding back in (not that they left in the first place). What’s the point?
(and if you’re left asking, “yeah kim, what IS your point?” umm, yeah. can’t help you.)
So thank you, my two readers, for sticking with me as I figure out my blogging identity. Am I going to be myself and let my crazy show, or am I going to try to be my idealized self? I get annoyed with the latter pretty quickly, so I guess you get me for realz.
And maybe that bumps me down to one reader (myself). Oh well.